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Astir
Astir is a riveting true story about an elderly penguin who decides to take his work to new heights... literally. The event Prolouge Main article: Fredrick Carloson#Background Over seventy years ago in what was to become South Pole City, young Fredrick Carloson was an aspiring business penguin. His hero was the famous software writer, Harold Gregor. In his time, the only computers were the size of blimps or larger, so he made his living programming for the government and military, the purpose being to defend Olde Antarctica from villains and rebellious enemies. Fredrick admired this computer genius, hoping one day to work in selling items himself. ---- However, Harold's reputation was tarnished after several officials from all four kingdoms realized that his methods of production violated every known copyright law in the kingdoms. You see, every item Harold wrote, he released to the public. That meant that people could actually read the very government software he wrote (he called it its source code), edit it, and use it for their own purposes. Harold insisted that he had never violated any law in his life, and that his license (which he called GNU) was real. When asked to produce the document, he told them there was only one copy, drafted by the great-great-great grandfather of ZapWire in the High Penguin Confederacy, and eventually lost after a plane carrying it went down. Citing Naughtzee and HPC logs, the document was said to survive and landed in a remote land. In fact, he also stated that the code, like StormWorms, had manifested itself into a living creature. He swore to clear his name by going there and getting the creature and having it recite the document to everyone. Taking off in his Zeppelin, "The Spirit of Free Software", he departed and was never seen again. ---- Fredrick was a huge fan of Harold, hoping he would find the Gnu and clear his name. He met another penguin named Ellen who shared identical beliefs. They quickly fell in love. married, and started a business called "Ellie & Carl's Keyboard and Balloon Shoppe", which sold and repaired typewriters and sold mass shipments of balloons to clients. They had a wondeful life together, even buying the very building they first met in to set up their shop. For the next fifty years, they ran this business and rose to the number one seller of all helium balloons in the continent (the typewriter business was mediocre at best). Their business grew as such, with the wife buying a distribution plant and a helieum aquisition plant while her husband managed the shop in the old building which had its second story converted to their home. Sadly, the lady of the business died in 1987, and along with her went the distribution center and helium supplier. The wife was so energetic and uplifting (and hyper, don't forget hyper) that she never stopped working and being happy to sit down and write her will. Frederick got her money (he could care less about cash though) and their building, but the King got everything else. Refusing to adhere to Ellen's death wish to "treat the buildings as if they were family and never stop having fun", the King put both of Ellen's buildings on the auction block. Both were torn down at acquisition, much to Frederick's already miserable dismay. However, one thing kept the now cranky widower happy: owning their prized house/business and watching the Traveller's Channel (he always had a passion for adventure). He also goes on the computer everyday to see if Harold did anything. ---- Chapter I: GIVE ME YOUR LAND! Fredrick stirred as the alarm clock beeped. Smacking it with his flipper, he waddled out of his bed chamber (penguins sleep standing up), popping his back in the process. The Dorkugese penguin put on his signature khaki robe, brown sports jacket and black bow tie, along with his glasses, and shuffled down the halls of his residence and down the stairs to his (now out-of business) store. Flicking on the lights, he performed his rituals: sweeping the floor, activating the cash register, running the computers, stocking the balloons and (computer) keyboards, and finally, switching the Closed sign to Open. It was here that he opened the building's ornate door and sat down on the bench outside to get a load of the view. Well, he would have, but a certain villain bought every piece of land around his entire property, front, back, across, adjacent and nearby. In fact, his house was the only scrap of land not owned by Bill Gate$ within five blocks. He was building an office complex here. Clarification, he was building his monopoly empire in office form. His business was the only low-wealth business left in this district. His profits long gone and with only his wife's inheritance, retirement funds, and pension supporting him, he served as a laughable convenience store which supplied cheap fifteen-coin QWERTY keyboards in a world of deluxe gaming PCs, virtual keyboards, and text-to speech software. His keyboards are vintage, very simple with no added buttons. Due to this, few buy them. Other than keyboards, adhering to his wife's love of blimps, adventure, and Harold, as well as a bit of nostalgia to the days-gone-by when his shop was raking in cash, he still sells the same kind of balloons he did in his time. However, with all of his assets gone, he sells these balloons in low amounts at a time, since Fredrick must inflate each one with a helium pump by flipper. He lost most of that business to supermarkets. ---- Looking at the "vista", he was shocked to see a limousine pulling up to his allotted acreage which nearly hit his picket fence. A human in a suit stepped out, and slamming open the faded gate his wife built, he marched up to the old Fogey and began speaking. The human was none other than Bill Gates himself. "Listen here. I will pay you five times the previous offer for this pathetic excuse for a business," Gate$ took out a briefcase laden with moolah (1,000,000 fish), "and since I can't sue you off this piece of Macintosh, I will be willing to multiply this twenty fold." Bill pulled out three other cases that would even make Stevie Mobbs consider selling. Fredrick chuckled to himself and faced the legal tyrant. "You can have my house, sir..." Bill Gates grinned as a wrecking ball was hung next to his building. He took out a contract and golden pen for the penguin to sign with. "...when I'm dead!" SLAM! Bill Gates just stood there. In all of his years of buyouts and mergers, Fredrick was the only creature to ever do that to him on a routine basis. He turned around and took out a digital message reminder as the wrecking ball drove off. "Note to self: geezer in ridiculous penguin costume refuses to surrender to progress. I'd better resort to very slick manu-" "By the way," Fredrick popped out of the house, forcing Gates to stop plotting, "I USE PENGUIN OS, YA NAUGHTZEE!!!" The door slammed again. Gates had it; the Penguin OS remark was the last straw. Right there, he decided to destroy that house, once and for all. He turned and walked to his limo, speeding off. Fredrick went inside and sat down in his chair behind the counter of the first floor shop. He fell asleep instantly. A knock on the door awoke him. He proceeded to get up and open the door. A young Walrus (a good one) stood outside the door wearing a sash and a yellow hat. "Hello Mister Carloson! My name is Roswell Yensid, and I am a Tundra Patrroller, second class! Can I help you today?" "Well, you can buy a keyboard or balloon." "No, I mean help you, not your business. Can I help you with that?" "No." Fredrick shut the door. A knock was heard. "You sure?" "Yes." The door was slammed and the knock followed. "Please, I need to earn my Old Folks at Home badge by assisting the elderly! I'll get promoted to First Class!" "Old Folks at Home badge?" "Yes sir! The scout masters say it was made 'way down upon the Suwanne River', but I really have no clue what they're saying. Hey, did you know that rivers in Antarctica always come from natural springs? I read that in my manual, and I also read how to boil water and purify it to kill all of its bacteria and other gross things you never want to-" Fredrick was annoyed. "Hey, actually, I know what you can do for me!" Roswell stopped his rambling and grinned. "WHAT, WHAT?" Fredrick thought quickly, he had to make something up to get the Walrus away. Citing a childhood memory, he continued. "Well, I've had this here Gnu problem... ever since I booted up Penguin OS about ten years back it's been grazing on my lawn here. Comes by every day, ya just missed it now. It would really assist me if you would go and catch it. I think it was last sighted at the end of the office complex." "Oh, I can get the Gnu, honest I can!" "Good, now remember, Gnus always come running when you scream Open Source like that crazy Fredrick kid." "The Internet celebrity?" "Yep." "Okay, I'll do my best Mister Carloson!" The walrus scooted off screaming "OPEN SOURCE, OPEN SOURCE" in a high pitched voice. Finally at peace (minus all of the loud construction work), Fredrick waddled inside, up to the second story, and into his bedroom, where he fell asleep. ---- He arose the next morning performing the same rituals, though he chose to be indoors this morning, wanting to work on his Penguin OS. He was completely unaware of the villain who lurked across the street behind the steel frames of his skyscrapers. ---- Bill Gates whipped out his platinum cell phone and dialed a completely random number. "Hello? Who are you?" "I'm Bill Gate$, and I don't care who you are, but I will pay you 100,000 in cash for you to drive your car into the mailbox at 1979 Lux Boulevard." "1979 Lux Boulevard? Wait, isn't that the home of Old Man Carloson? The Dorkugese penguin widower with the tiny store?" "Yes." "Why would I damage an old man's house? You know his wife is dead, right? He must be sad." "So?" "SO?! So, I won't do it!" "What if I give you 1% of all the stock in my business? How about if I throw in a seven million fish bonus AND a deluxe new car? I'll even give you my spare mansion down in Trans-Antarctica. I don't need it, I only built it because I wanted to evict some old people." "O_O" The phone hung up. Bill Gates was annoyed that the guy turned it down. About to smash the fence, he heard the squealing of tires and saw a car doing eighty MPH down the road. Bill Gates smirked and drafted a contract giving the items he promised as the car rammed into the mailbox. The post cracked and fell, but it was caught by the fence. The greedy character signed the contract and was given the keys to the house, the car, and the briefcase full of money, subsequently speeding off before Fredrick heard the racket. The door opened. "Oh... oh, no..." Frederick waddled over with his cane and looked at the fallen mailbox. That mailbox was made by his wife at the time they purchased their house, custom built out of solid marble and painted by flipper. He bent down and picked up his priceless relic, tears in his eyes, and ran back with it into the house. All was quiet for a second, when the door again slammed open. Fredrick, both crying and angry at the same time, waddled out to Bill Gates, who was whistling the "I'm Amac" theme. "YOU!" the old penguin screamed, "YOU BROKE MY MAILBOX!" "Yeah, I did." Gates smirked and leaned over the fence. "You have a problem with that?" "PROBLEM? THAT MAILBOX WAS MADE WITH LOVE, FROM SCRATCH FROM MY WIFE, AND WE DON'T LIKE OUR ITEMS DAMAGED!" Fredrick was seething, but he suddenly burst into tears. "Gates, you don't understand. *sniff* That mailbox, that building... it's all I have. Without Ellen... *sniff* You don't understand the importance... *sob* We first met in there, back when it was abandoned... *sob* Please don't do this to me, please..." Fredrick looked at Gates with a look that would put F to shame. Any normal creature would have called it off and built a [''' building around his house, but not Gate$. In fact, he giggled a bit at the thought of having property that somehow carried "meaning". Fredrick solemnly waddled back to his building. Phase one of his evil plan complete, he needed to think of an insult and fast to initiate Phase two. Chapter II: Phase Two's a Doozy Bill Gates called out to Fredrick. "HEY, GEEZER!" The old penguin turned around, he had almost reached his house. ''TO BE CONTINUED.' Result See also * Fredrick Carloson * Bill Gate$ External links * The parody. Category:Stories Category:Events